So every week I have been going to my storage unit and sorting through what remains of my old life.

 Since my mother has been gone, she changed her state payee so she isn't giving me any money to help me pay for the storage unit....nor was she helping take care of cats that SHE wanted to keep but refused to take care of.

 So I'm cleaning out the storage unit and my daughter came across a bag that was filled with notebooks my mother was writing in. She was "Journaling" a lot during her 6 months in the life skills program I went through.

 So that evening my daughter and I had a glass of wine, sat on the kitchen floor and read through my mother's insane and unhinged...semi coherent ramblings. I found a "poem" she had written for me on Mother's day. She actually wrote the same poem three times on three sheets of paper, she enjoyed it so much.

 So I figured I'd share it. Now...this is actually pretty mild compared to the hatefueled verbal abuse this woman would fling at me in my text messages and even on Twitter.

 It says

"Happy Mothers Day Daughter"

Fire the blood and severe the cord, run out of the storm, cry out to your lord, of all your deeds you've mountained yourself.

And out of my mercy instead of hanging you, you are shelved- it's just for the children that love you I stay, if you were alone I'd blow you away.
The pain you have caused is unspeakable at best. When it comes to "bitch", you're a leader to the rest.  My mother was a bully, she abused me with ease. You grew up just like her you topped her disease.

It's control and torture my pain that your crave and if at all possible, I'll destroy you from beyond my grave"

- loving, Mother.

"Now tell me I can't write lol""

 I took some compliments from this one. She called me the lead bitch who runs the bitches. To me, this says that my very hard work on myself and getting to a place where I can draw mostly healthy boundaries has been successful so far. Of course I still have work to do...but I'm better than I was. Stronger. Less likely to be taken advantage of. I still struggle with feeling overly responsible for her and things i am NOT responsible for, but I've made A LOT of progress here.

 And I've cut her out of my life entirely at this point....so it's a not going to be an issue ever again.

 Second...she told me I've grown up a lot like my grandmother. That's actually the nicest and best thing she has ever said to me.

 And she noticed my children live me. In my own injured and petty way, I hope that EATS her. That me and my children have such a strong bond and relationship. I hope it makes her feel like total shit. I know it probably doesn't because she is just so fucking hollow and evil and selfish she has never really truly SEEN any one else. She only ever sees herself.

 Years ago when she devoted months to spewing hatred at me in text messages during the last trimester of my last pregnancy, I pointed out to her the things she has done to me and other members of the family that really hurt and did a lot of damage. Her response? "I already absolved myself of that!"

 So she can attack and want revenge on me for shots she imagined I took at her....but for all the pain her actions have caused me and everyone else she's off the hook because she "absolved" herself.

 I don't hate her. But I don't really feel much of anything for her.  If I found put tomorrow she was dead...I wouldn't even care. I would just want to not be bothered by it. I don't want to be responsible for her corpse. I know that sounds awful and maybe it is...but oh well.

 Also to any forum folk who dislike me and think they can hurt my feelings? Well this is why you will always fail. When I reached a point where my own mother telling me she never wanted me, accusing me of abuse, telling people I was pregnant with HER husband's baby after years and years of her not protecting me from his disgusting sexual fixation on me (no he never raped or molested me nor was that line ever crossed....but he would say things and write out these disgusting stories about fucking me and leave them laying around. After he died, my step brother told me that he found that his dad was telling x rated stories about fucking me to strangers on the internet and showing them my pictures)..  she treated me as sexual competition since the day I turned 13. 

 As a child all I ever wanted was her attention and approval. I never got it. And I would bend over backwards and do anything she asked me to do in attempts to earn that attention and approval.

 So if I'm indifferent to this from my own mother don't hold out any hopes any of YOU are gonna hurt my feels. Just saying. 

 Normally I don't share much about this miserable hateful and demonic wraith I call "mom" and my boyfriend calls "slagathor" but eh.

 Enjoy lol

 It is my beautiful second daughter's 18th birthday.

 This year her special dinner was cooked by my boyfriend and it's chicken and steak shawarma and we have a special ice cream cake he is picking up right now. My daughter raided my closest this morning and is wearing my lace shirt with a tank top under it....she's been eyeballing that shirt for a few years and I told her she can wear it when she's an adult. She actually remembered that and today she's wearing it lol

 She had some friends over yesterday but today it's low key. My oldest and her girlfriend are coming for dinner.

 So we have her gifts all wrapped and food cooking.

 I'm just amazed I got two to adulthood. Alive. Healthy. Capable. Beautiful young women. 

 I'm a proud mamma. 

 My bf and I were just laying in bed reading and scrolling social media and this woman we both knew from middle and high school....who he has on his FB and we make fun of her constantly because she's so ghetto and woke....posted something about how Matthew Shepdard "tried that in a small town"

And he posted this link from The Guardian(definitely NOT a right wing source) and started talking about it.  I personally had no clue that the Shepard case had anything to do with drugs.  But I'm not one bit surprised by the amount of propaganda spread about this.

This part cracked me up

"Five days after the attack, on 12 October, Matthew died. On 14 October a celebrity vigil was held on the steps of the US Capitol, attended by the likes of Ted Kennedy and Ellen DeGeneres. Elton John sent flowers to Matt's funeral, Barbra Streisand telephoned the Albany county sheriff's office to demand quick action on the case, and Madonna called an assistant to university president Philip Dubois to complain about what had happened. The day Matthew died, President Clinton told journalists at the White House: "In our shock and grief one thing must remain clear: hate and prejudice are not American values.""

LOL

So as it turns out Shepard was a drug addict,, one of the murderers was a guy he had been fucking. So it was NOT an anti gay hate crime after all.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/oct/26/the-truth-behind-americas-most-famous-gay-hate-murder-matthew-shepard

What gets me is that if these hate crime issues were so bad that we need whole national campaigns and legislation devoted to combating them....there would be no need to twist cases like this. Because there IS a real story here and Shepards case could be used to help young gay males who DO get caught up in drugs and trafficking....that's a REAL thing that happens and happened to him. But no....we gotta fight imaginary bigots instead and craft narratives that paint rural people as ignorant, hateful and violent.

Just sad.