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 Post subject: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 17th, 2015, 4:32 pm 
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Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
The Hypnotist at a Seniors Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"SHIT!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited there again.

ac_toofunny ac_lmfao

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@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 17th, 2015, 4:35 pm 
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Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
ac_lmfao ac_toofunny

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@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 17th, 2015, 6:27 pm 

Joined: June 22nd, 2013, 8:04 am
Posts: 4228
ac_toofunny


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 17th, 2015, 6:34 pm 
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Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
Man telling a joke:

"I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty, who gives a shit?"

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@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 17th, 2015, 7:16 pm 

Joined: October 4th, 2012, 10:25 pm
Posts: 41385
You are so funny Azhya.
ac_toofunny


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 18th, 2015, 4:57 pm 
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Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
ac_toofunny ac_drinks
Fashionista wrote:
You are so funny Azhya.
ac_toofunny

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@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 18th, 2015, 4:57 pm 
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Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
Keeper wrote:
ac_toofunny


ac_lmfao ac_drinks

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@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 18th, 2015, 4:58 pm 

Joined: October 4th, 2012, 10:25 pm
Posts: 41385
Azhya Aryola wrote:
ac_toofunny ac_drinks
Fashionista wrote:
You are so funny Azhya.
ac_toofunny

Hello Azhya, did you hear any new funny jokes lately?


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 19th, 2015, 6:57 pm 
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Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
Fashionista wrote:
Hello Azhya, did you hear any new funny jokes lately?


But of course, Fash. More are coming. ac_toofunny

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@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 19th, 2015, 6:58 pm 
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Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
Some stud sent me this.

LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium
at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.

23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse
said 'No change yet.'

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

34. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

_________________
@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 19th, 2015, 7:01 pm 

Joined: October 4th, 2012, 10:25 pm
Posts: 41385
Azhya Aryola wrote:
Some stud sent me this.

LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium
at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.

23. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse
said 'No change yet.'

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

34. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

There are some really good ones in there Azhya, thank you.
ac_toofunny


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 19th, 2015, 7:21 pm 
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Joined: October 3rd, 2012, 8:12 pm
Posts: 20952
Quote:
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

ac_toofunny

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The Iron Chink!!


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 24th, 2015, 6:23 pm 
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Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
WHILE ON A ROAD TRIP, AN ELDERLY COUPLE, STOPPED AT PIZZA HUT FOR LUNCH.

AFTER FINISHING THEIR MEAL, THEY LEFT THE RESTAURANT, AND RESUMED THEIR TRIP TO PHOENIX.

WHEN LEAVING, THE ELDERLY WOMAN UNKNOWINGLY LEFT HER GLASSES ON THE TABLE, AND SHE DIDN'T MISS THEM UNTIL THEY HAD BEEN DRIVING FOR ABOUT FORTY MINUTES.

BY THEN, TO ADD TO THE AGGRAVATION, THEY HAD TO TRAVEL QUITE A DISTANCE BEFORE THEY COULD FIND A PLACE TO TURN AROUND, IN ORDER TO RETURN TO THE RESTAURANT TO RETRIEVE HER GLASSES.

ALL THE WAY BACK, THE ELDERLY HUSBAND BECAME THE CLASSIC GROUCHY OLD MAN. HE FUSSED AND COMPLAINED, AND SCOLDED HIS WIFE RELENTLESSLY DURING THE ENTIRE RETURN DRIVE. THE MORE HE CHIDED HER, THE MORE AGITATED HE BECAME. HE JUST WOULDN'T LET UP FOR A SINGLE MINUTE.

TO HER RELIEF, THEY FINALLY ARRIVED AT THE RESTAURANT. AS THE WOMAN GOT OUT OF THE CAR, AND HURRIED INSIDE TO RETRIEVE HER GLASSES, THE OLD GEEZER YELLED TO HER "WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET MY HAT AND THE CREDIT CARD."

_________________
@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 24th, 2015, 6:33 pm 

Joined: October 4th, 2012, 10:25 pm
Posts: 41385
Azhya Aryola wrote:
WHILE ON A ROAD TRIP, AN ELDERLY COUPLE, STOPPED AT PIZZA HUT FOR LUNCH.

AFTER FINISHING THEIR MEAL, THEY LEFT THE RESTAURANT, AND RESUMED THEIR TRIP TO PHOENIX.

WHEN LEAVING, THE ELDERLY WOMAN UNKNOWINGLY LEFT HER GLASSES ON THE TABLE, AND SHE DIDN'T MISS THEM UNTIL THEY HAD BEEN DRIVING FOR ABOUT FORTY MINUTES.

BY THEN, TO ADD TO THE AGGRAVATION, THEY HAD TO TRAVEL QUITE A DISTANCE BEFORE THEY COULD FIND A PLACE TO TURN AROUND, IN ORDER TO RETURN TO THE RESTAURANT TO RETRIEVE HER GLASSES.

ALL THE WAY BACK, THE ELDERLY HUSBAND BECAME THE CLASSIC GROUCHY OLD MAN. HE FUSSED AND COMPLAINED, AND SCOLDED HIS WIFE RELENTLESSLY DURING THE ENTIRE RETURN DRIVE. THE MORE HE CHIDED HER, THE MORE AGITATED HE BECAME. HE JUST WOULDN'T LET UP FOR A SINGLE MINUTE.

TO HER RELIEF, THEY FINALLY ARRIVED AT THE RESTAURANT. AS THE WOMAN GOT OUT OF THE CAR, AND HURRIED INSIDE TO RETRIEVE HER GLASSES, THE OLD GEEZER YELLED TO HER "WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET MY HAT AND THE CREDIT CARD."

Forgetful husband blames his wife for being like him.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 28th, 2015, 6:51 pm 
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Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
Why there are no black NASCAR drivers. David Letterman may be in trouble with NASCAR.

David Letterman may not get any flack from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does get some 'flack' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts.

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillac’s approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR

# 1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.

ac_tongue

_________________
@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 28th, 2015, 11:46 pm 

Joined: October 4th, 2012, 10:25 pm
Posts: 41385
Azhya Aryola wrote:
Why there are no black NASCAR drivers. David Letterman may be in trouble with NASCAR.

David Letterman may not get any flack from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does get some 'flack' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts.

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillac’s approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR

# 1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.

ac_tongue

David Letterman said this?
ac_huh


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 29th, 2015, 7:18 am 
User avatar

Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

ac_tongue

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@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 29th, 2015, 3:16 pm 
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Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
ac_toofunny

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

_________________
@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 29th, 2015, 3:18 pm 

Joined: October 4th, 2012, 10:25 pm
Posts: 41385
Azhya Aryola wrote:
ac_toofunny

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

ac_toofunny


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 Post subject: Re: Laughter Lounge
Unread postPosted: March 29th, 2015, 4:51 pm 
User avatar

Joined: October 6th, 2012, 1:53 pm
Posts: 6889
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

ac_toofunny ac_lmfao

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@realAzhyaAryola

Sometimes, my comments have a touch of humor, often tongue-in-cheek, so don't take it so seriously.


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