You must insult the person above you.

[J E B Stuart]

Had an epiphany yesterday while takin' a dump. Is now convinced he can achieve 6-pack abs through severe constipation.

Amen.

[Prof Emeritus at Fawk U]

^^^Meet the author of the book on the subject.

[J E B Stuart]

Stood at the front of the line all night in freezing weather to meet the author and get his signed copy of "Constipation Nation:  Your Six Pack to Go". Immediately thereafter, went to the grocery store and stocked up on red meats, stinky cheeses and unripe bananas.

So far, he's gone ten consecutive days without pinchin' one off. Is a little concerned about the hallucinations that started popping up on day 7, but remains determined and committed.

Amen.

[Shen Li]

Stu's Mom asked him how he likes the budgie she got him for X-mas?
Stu: It was great but not much meat on it.

[Prof Emeritus at Fawk U]

Reads yesterday's horoscope just to check if she can get a do-over.

[J E B Stuart]

Nearly three weeks have come and gone without nary so much as even a single pooped pebble. Ever the man on a mission, however, Prof stubbornly sticks to the plan, although he now looks eight months pregnant as his hoped for sculpted six-pack abs continue to elude him.

Amen. 

[Prof Emeritus at Fawk U]

Picks his toes and puts it on toast for breakfast.

[J E B Stuart]

When he was a kid, constantly got his ass whooped in the lunchroom 'cause he wouldn't stop eatin' his boogers 'n' toenails.

Amen.

[Prof Emeritus at Fawk U]

He got his looks from his father....



...who happened to be a plastic surgeon.

[J E B Stuart]

He got his looks from either the pizza delivery guy, the mailman, the dog catcher, the pool boy, the neighbor across the street, the insurance salesman, the mechanic, the car wash guy, the magazine salesman, the Fuller Brush Guy, or one of the Christmas men's choir members. 

Amen.

[Shen Li]

Stu thinks the Supreme Court is just like a regular court but with sour cream, chives and tomatoes.