Laughter Lounge

[Harry]

The businessman and his secretary work late. As her reward he takes her out to dinner, after which she invites him back to her flat.



Much later, as he is dressing, she asks: "What if your wife finds out?"



"She won't. I have a stick of chalk in the car," says the man.



"A stick of chalk?" she asks.



When at last he gets home, his wife screams: "So what's the story?"



"Joyce and I worked late. Then I took her out to dinner.



"Then we went back to her place. Then we made love," he says.



"Liar!" she shouts.



"Don't try to fool me. I know where you've been. You've been playing snooker. The stick of chalk is still behind your ear."

[Harry]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.



"May I help you sir?" she asked.



The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."



"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.



He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."



Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.  Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.



After an hour, the man calmly left.



The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.



Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.  "There are no discounts... The price is still $5000."



Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.



After an hour, he left.



The following night the man was there yet again.  Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.



After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.  Where are you from?"



The man replied, "New Brunswick."



"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick."



"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."



The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:



1. Death



2. Taxes



3. Being screwed by a lawyer!



Have a Great day.

[realgrimm]

Oh Pepe  





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[Anonymous]

Oh Pepe  





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Welcome to Poland.

[Harry]

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.



The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:



'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'



Sending a written message, the captain replied:



'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.



One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.



The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.



Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'



Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).



At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.



Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'



'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

[Harry]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.



As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.



"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.



"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.



The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car: "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"



"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"



"Have a nice night", said the officer.

[RW]

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[Harry]

A husband and wife are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later. The wife glares at her husband and asks: "Who the hell was that?"



"She's my mistress," he replies.



"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I want a divorce".



"I can understand that," says her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados or summers in Tuscany, no more Mini Cooper in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."



Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous women on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.



"That's his mistress," says her husband.



"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[kiebers]

[RW]

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Didn't know fun was a mental illness but HELL YA! hahhaaha

[Harry]

^^^^

 

[Harry]

A brunette goes to the doctor and says "Doctor I ache all over".



The doctor says "I find that hard to believe".



So she touches her arm. "Ouch".



She touches her leg. "Ouch".



Doctor: "You are not really brunette, are you"?



Brunette :"No, I'm blond"



Doctor: "I thought so.  Your finger is broken".

[Harry]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.



A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.  He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.



The old man just stared.



Every time the young man looked the old man was staring.



The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, you never done anything wild in your life?"



With out batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock, I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Harry]

Three women - one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.



That night all three decided to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.



The engaged woman said, "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long".



The mistress said, "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, the mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."



The married woman said, "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

.

.

.

Now, this is when the fight began

[Harry]

A Northern Territory station hand, radios back to the manager.



"Boss, I got one helluva problem here... I hit a bloody pig with the truck. The pig seems OK, but he's stuck in the roo-bars on the front and he's wriggling and squealing so bloody much, I can't get 'im out.



The manager says, "Ok, there's a ....303 rifle behind the seat in the rack, take it, shoot the pig and you'll be able to remove it."



Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "'I did what you said, Boss. Took the gun, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on"'.



"So what's the f**king problem now, mate?" raged the Manager. '



"Well boss, it's his motor-bike....it's stuck under the wheel arch and the bloody blue light won't stop flashing.................. hullo - you still there Boss?"