Laughter Lounge

[Harry]

[RW]

When people hand me my supposed opinion, it always seems to come out something like this:



https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/21191940_1677408968957081_4937134651145113448_n.jpg?oh=e84a8af0ea2291606492e00d73d9b2d1&oe=5A5BB1B6">



 ac_biggrin

[Harry]

For thousands of years primitive man would walk around in circles, beat the earth with a stick, and curse at the sky.



Today, this ritual is known as "Golf".

[Harry]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 outside London,



Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.



The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"



"Terrorists have kidnapped all the Members of Parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom!



Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."



"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.



"Roughly a gallon."

[cc]

I enjoyed that one  

[Harry]

Dating in 1960



It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.



"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.



"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?



Lemonade? Iced tea?"



"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.



"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.



"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."



"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.



"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.



"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"



"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.



"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"



"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.



A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.



"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.



Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.



"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The dance is called the Twist!!!!"

[Anonymous]

For thousands of years primitive man would walk around in circles, beat the earth with a stick, and curse at the sky.



Today, this ritual is known as "Golf".

lol Harry, I'll be sure to sure to show this to Seoul.

 

[Harry]

A woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who approaches her immediately. She seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.



As he does, she gently caresses his full beard.



"Are you the manager?" she asks.



"Actually, no," he replies.



"Can you get him for me," she says. "I need to speak to him."



"I'm afraid I can't. Is there anything I can do?" he asks.



"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.



"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.



"Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room."

[Anonymous]

A woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who approaches her immediately. She seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.



As he does, she gently caresses his full beard.



"Are you the manager?" she asks.



"Actually, no," he replies.



"Can you get him for me," she says. "I need to speak to him."



"I'm afraid I can't. Is there anything I can do?" he asks.



"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.



"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.



"Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies' room."

 

[Harry]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."



Passenger: "Who?"



Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."



Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."



Cabbie: "Oh no, definitely not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."



Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.



Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."



Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."



Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -- he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."



Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"



Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f*cking widow."

[kiebers]

 

[Harry]

A frog walks into a bank and approaches a teller.



"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."



Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.



Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.



The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.



Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.



She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."



She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



The bank manager looks back at her and says...



"It's a knickknack

Patty Whack.

Give the frog a loan.

His old man's a Rolling Stone."

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(You're singing it, aren't you?? Yeah, I know you are........)

[realgrimm]

Looks like it's time for some toilet humour..

[Blazor]

When people hand me my supposed opinion, it always seems to come out something like this:



https://scontent-sea1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/21191940_1677408968957081_4937134651145113448_n.jpg?oh=e84a8af0ea2291606492e00d73d9b2d1&oe=5A5BB1B6">



 ac_biggrin

Lol, I love using movie quotes  

[priscilla1961]