So... I know this going to send Semen-Manger bat shit fruit loopy....

Frood · January 28, 2023, 04:45:42 AM

...but as an alpha male I'm secure in my gender and my loving relationship, so... fuck it!

A few days ago I couldn't wake up to my numerous early morning alarms because I was having a bizarre dream which kept continuing after I shut off each successive alarm off every 5 minutes.

My wife, "R", had knocked me up. ac_toofunny

I had earlier gone to the hospital after complaining of persistent abdominal discomfort and they delivered the verdict after numerous scans and ultrasounds.

I was with child, had been for many weeks, and I was one of the few biological men (1 in 3 million, or 1 in 3 billion, dunno...I forget now) that this could happen too.

She had consumed a couple of Thai energy drinks (which never ever happened ever in her rl), and managed to turbo charge one of her eggs, then my sperm, and combined it roamed her body like a zombified tweaker (or a Teh Scoundrel) until eventually ferrying back up my piss hole like a drug fueled ravers tongue (also akin to a Teh Scoundrel type).

That was all before the first alarm wake up.

I have 7 alarms and they're all set 5 minutes apart from the last one.

So what did we do in those 6 other segments some might ask?

Argue about abortion, shame, and how my wife would need to wear a strap on belly for 7-8 months, bring home the bacon, and how I'd be staying out of sight from family and coworkers until I birthed our Red Bull Urethra Star Child.... because a life is a life no matter what, and I could sense it growing in me... needing protection from baby groomers and haters. I was its man-momma. A tiny innocent and fragile life with a weird biochemistry involving caffeine and supposedly healthy supplements in carbonated delivery.

...and I was really getting emotional about it.

So much so, it made me 15 minutes late to real life work. ac_biggrin

So I don't give a fuck about dreams or how people view me for having them, so I told my elderly employer.... a farmer type in almost every way.... and he laughed so fucking hard then said... mate, your body your choice. Stick to your dream guns! You should keep your Red Bub.

(No Seamajor. I WILL NOT FUCK YOU and my scientifically novel love spawn would be guarded until the day they hit 18 years old and you're long gone interested in them... don't ask, don't hold out, don't expect a wind change. As a diligent baby d'omma, I must protect my children from creepy Chesters like you. You're a fucking freak of nature.)

Anonymous · January 28, 2023, 04:58:00 AM

The thought of giving birth through ones dick... the pain would be unbearable, but worth it when it came to firing the newborn and its attendant afterbirth out the ole spunk cannon.

Firen torpedo!

Anonymous · January 28, 2023, 05:01:45 AM

One thing does occur to me though... would you lactate something manly? Beer, bourbon... that sort of thing?

Frood · January 28, 2023, 05:24:48 AM

~~Quote from: Guest post_id=492798 time=1674899880~~
The thought of giving birth through ones dick... the pain would be unbearable, but worth it when it came to firing the newborn and its attendant afterbirth out the ole spunk cannon.

Firen torpedo!

The doctors were very consoling. There was no possibility or chance in hell (even at 1 to 300 billion odds) that a urethra birth could happen.

It would have to be a C-section at the appropriate time and if my body wasn't producing the necessary amounts of progesterone, estrogen, taurine, and caffeine. I'd be placed on a temporary prescription long enough to wean them off of suckling and accept french fries, chicken McNuggets, and a four pack of Red Bull each day, delivered in a baby bottle, with a nipple appropriately widened to the size of an outlet to a college beer bong.

As an expectant baby Dada Momma, my head was awash with the "what if's", yet knew that I'd be keeping our love spawn no matter what....deep down inside. Deep down in my belly, where I could feel our mutual and bonded love growing like an all knowing intuition... a bizarre reincarnation bazaar.

If Azrael fucked Smurfette and that fucking gato went prenatal instead, then Creepy Uncle Seamajor in his fat footed boot sacks and creepy black robe tried to nab baby Azette from cat belly, Azrael would be tooth, hook, and claw against that shit.

Same with my wife.

I told her "I'm having this child and you can either support me or you can leave, bitch".

To be fair, my wife came around in the dream sequences and agreed to wear a pillow under her blouse for me...

Frood · January 28, 2023, 05:28:04 AM

~~Quote from: Guest post_id=492799 time=1674900105~~
One thing does occur to me though... would you lactate something manly? Beer, bourbon... that sort of thing?

In this circumstance, possibly on martini's, chilled wines, and fruity lexia's... dunno.

I'm still early and in my dream sequences..

Anonymous · January 28, 2023, 05:32:59 AM

~~Quote from: Frood post_id=492802 time=1674901684 user_id=1676~~
~~Quote from: Guest post_id=492799 time=1674900105~~
One thing does occur to me though... would you lactate something manly? Beer, bourbon... that sort of thing?

In this circumstance, possibly on martini's, chilled wines, and fruity lexia's... dunno.

I'm still early and in my dream sequences..

Shhhhh, there's a bludger on the north shore who'd never get off your teats if he knew they were filled with Strongbow! ac_lmfao

Frood · January 28, 2023, 05:42:05 AM

That post made me almost cry and I don't even know why.

I'm a prospective dream state baby Dada Mama and you're not being kind to me or my baby shower attendees.

Anonymous · January 28, 2023, 05:55:07 AM

Eat some snacky-smores and a half a chocolate cake, you'll be right. Just don't mix it with the pickles and anchovy smegma; I know you expectant mothers get weird cravings, but that shit is just plain disgusting and will fuck with your digestion.

Frood · January 28, 2023, 06:01:26 AM

If I in my current lifestyle could carry a baby to full term somewhere in my gut for 9 months and it didn't die very quickly, I'd be shovelling in extreme chillie sauces, hardcore liquor, and enough coffee in one sitting to lobotomise an elephant just to help my lil love child along.

Wait.... maybe that's why it chose me/us, right?

weebles · January 28, 2023, 06:17:27 AM

Dude you are talking to yourself for views now.

News:

The best topic

So... I know this going to send Semen-Manger bat shit fruit loopy....

Frood

Anonymous

Anonymous

Frood

Frood

Anonymous

Frood

Anonymous

Frood

weebles

Frood

Anonymous

Frood

Anonymous

Frood