Babylon Bee, People's Cube etc.

[Anonymous]

Supreme Court Moves To White House So They Can Strike Down Unconstitutional Mandates In Real-Time



https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-9447-1.jpg">https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/a ... 9447-1.jpg">https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-9447-1.jpg[/img]



WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a win for government efficiency, the Supreme Court has opted to move into the Oval Office with Biden so they can strike down all his unconstitutional mandates in real-time.



"Listen, our caseload is insane as it is," said an exhausted Chief Justice Roberts. "Biden is clogging up the system with all these ridiculous royal decrees of his, so we're just gonna stand here behind him and strike them down as he writes 'em, assembly-line style!"



Later that morning, Biden sat down to sign his daily batch of executive orders. He was getting ready to sign a new order requiring cat moms to be given 12 weeks of maternity leave every time they buy a cat when Clarence Thomas reached in and smacked the pen out of Biden's hand.



"NO! No Biden! BAD Biden!" said Justice Thomas sternly. "That's unconstitutional! Nice try!"



Biden began to sob as he wasn't sure why he was there or why the clean, articulate black man was yelling at him.



As the morning progressed, the Justices all took turns smacking the pen out of Biden's hand until all the executive orders were struck down and a confused Biden slunk out of the room crying.



After a hard morning's work, the Supreme Court decided to clock out early and reward themselves with a treat from one of the National Mall food trucks.

 

[Anonymous]

Supreme Court Moves To White House So They Can Strike Down Unconstitutional Mandates In Real-Time



https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-9447-1.jpg">https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/a ... 9447-1.jpg">https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-9447-1.jpg[/img]



WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a win for government efficiency, the Supreme Court has opted to move into the Oval Office with Biden so they can strike down all his unconstitutional mandates in real-time.



"Listen, our caseload is insane as it is," said an exhausted Chief Justice Roberts. "Biden is clogging up the system with all these ridiculous royal decrees of his, so we're just gonna stand here behind him and strike them down as he writes 'em, assembly-line style!"



Later that morning, Biden sat down to sign his daily batch of executive orders. He was getting ready to sign a new order requiring cat moms to be given 12 weeks of maternity leave every time they buy a cat when Clarence Thomas reached in and smacked the pen out of Biden's hand.



"NO! No Biden! BAD Biden!" said Justice Thomas sternly. "That's unconstitutional! Nice try!"



Biden began to sob as he wasn't sure why he was there or why the clean, articulate black man was yelling at him.



As the morning progressed, the Justices all took turns smacking the pen out of Biden's hand until all the executive orders were struck down and a confused Biden slunk out of the room crying.



After a hard morning's work, the Supreme Court decided to clock out early and reward themselves with a treat from one of the National Mall food trucks.

 

Good idea.

[cc]

THE NEW ORDER OF FEAR – A Work Of Fiction



Justin Trudeau is found dead in bed, strangled with a pair of Halal socks that had been given to him by Cabinet Minister Omar Alghabra.

This assassination is just one event as a series of mysterious terrorist attacks trigger the beginnings of the Great Reset.



This new fictional thriller book is part of a Trilogy on the Great Reset.  In the first book, the reader is warned of the social and political violence that will emerge as our political classes move us toward the Great Rest, also known as Build Back Better, Stakeholder Capitalism or the New Green Deal.



The Great Reset Trilogy is a fictional work that explores how globalists wish to remake our world into a Marxian-inspired totalitarian system. As it can be seen, the Great Reset is a rebranding effort for the globalist agenda where 'elites' determine all outcomes.



As was stated by the World Economic Forum, "You'll own nothing, and you'll be happy." As always, the elites say it is for "your safety," but what they mean is they want total control of you and everything you do.



https://www.amazon.ca/New-Order-Fear-Great-Trilogy/dp/B097SPK3Z4/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=quiggin+new+order+of+fear&qid=1630163728&sr=8-1">The New Order of Fear: The Great Reset Trilogy Paperback

[Anonymous]

If only it was true.

[cc]

ATLANTA, GA – According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control released on Thursday, people with inside, compromising knowledge of Bill and Hillary Clinton's financial and political dealings are 843% more likely to commit suicide.



"We've never seen a single risk factor cause a spike of this magnitude," a CDC spokesperson told reporters. "Interestingly, in spite of their increased suicide risk, people with dirt on the Clintons rarely show any warning signs of suicide, and they never leave a suicide note."



Remarking about how abnormal it is, the spokesman again stressed the significance of the data.



"Therefore, we advise any American with detrimental information about Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, or the Clinton Foundation to forget about it as quickly as possible to avoid a greatly increased probability of taking your own life," he cautioned.



"And—I swear—that's all we know."

[Anonymous]

ATLANTA, GA – According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control released on Thursday, people with inside, compromising knowledge of Bill and Hillary Clinton's financial and political dealings are 843% more likely to commit suicide.



"We've never seen a single risk factor cause a spike of this magnitude," a CDC spokesperson told reporters. "Interestingly, in spite of their increased suicide risk, people with dirt on the Clintons rarely show any warning signs of suicide, and they never leave a suicide note."



Remarking about how abnormal it is, the spokesman again stressed the significance of the data.



"Therefore, we advise any American with detrimental information about Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, or the Clinton Foundation to forget about it as quickly as possible to avoid a greatly increased probability of taking your own life," he cautioned.



"And—I swear—that's all we know."

 

[cc]

Crazed Nutjob Hellbent On Destroying Country With His Psychotic Moderate Policies[/url][/b]



WASHINGTON, D.C.—As heroic Democrats in Washington race against time to save America from the horrors of not spending $3.5 trillion dollars, there is an utter psychopath who is standing in their way with his moderate policies: Joe Manchin.



"Joe Manchin is greedy and immoral," said Senator Bernie Sanders, who was really mad to see his $300 billion in gulag funding removed from the infrastructure bill. "He must be stopped before he destroys the country with his reasonable attempt to compromise with Nazis who don't want to spend 3.5 trillion dollars. He's clearly lost his mind."



"Joe Manchin is an existential threat to democracy and he even tried to kill me," said AOC to the press.



"He's on an evil sexist rampage of fiscal responsibility. The other day he waved 'hi' to me but it was a terrifying, aggressive wave. If I am killed, please know that it was Joe Manchin who probably did it."



According to sources, in addition to being a deranged fiscal moderate, Manchin is also pro-life, which makes him literally Hitler.



Democrats are praying they can stop this monster before it's too late.





EDIT: I was unaware of the homophobic element, Shen, but it fits his overall makeup

[Anonymous]

Joe Manchin is Mao, Hitler, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Ghenghis Khan and Vlad the Impaler rolled into one evil racist, homophobic ball of hate.

[Anonymous]

Crazed Nutjob Hellbent On Destroying Country With His Psychotic Moderate Policies[/url][/b]



WASHINGTON, D.C.—As heroic Democrats in Washington race against time to save America from the horrors of not spending $3.5 trillion dollars, there is an utter psychopath who is standing in their way with his moderate policies: Joe Manchin.



"Joe Manchin is greedy and immoral," said Senator Bernie Sanders, who was really mad to see his $300 billion in gulag funding removed from the infrastructure bill. "He must be stopped before he destroys the country with his reasonable attempt to compromise with Nazis who don't want to spend 3.5 trillion dollars. He's clearly lost his mind."



"Joe Manchin is an existential threat to democracy and he even tried to kill me," said AOC to the press.



"He's on an evil sexist rampage of fiscal responsibility. The other day he waved 'hi' to me but it was a terrifying, aggressive wave. If I am killed, please know that it was Joe Manchin who probably did it."



According to sources, in addition to being a deranged fiscal moderate, Manchin is also pro-life, which makes him literally Hitler.



Democrats are praying they can stop this monster before it's too late.





EDIT: I was unaware of the homophobic element, Shen, but it fits his overall makeup

I am having a ball watching the democRATs perform an exorcism on their remaining sane members.

[Anonymous]

I'm enjoying this thread......I suppose we can thank the Democrats for making us laugh.

[cc]

https://babylonbee.com/news/hackers-warn-that-if-demands-arent-met-they-will-reactivate-facebook">Hackers Warn That If Demands Aren't Met They Will Reactivate Facebook



https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-9628-1.jpg">



WORLD—With Facebook down, and the world basking in the warm glow of a post-Facebook utopia, the hackers responsible for the attack are now warning that if their demands are not met, they will reactivate Facebook once again.



"We know the world is celebrating the peace and unity brought about by us deleting Facebook from the internet," said a cryptic message broadcast from an unknown location. "But if you don't comply with our demand for $700 billion dollars by 8 pm tonight, we will restore Facebook and unleash its evils upon the world once again."



"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed everyone in horror at the thought of being doomed to once again scroll through Facebook's clinically addictive interface, depressing newsfeed, and angry arguments with Aunt Guthrie. "Please! PLEASE! Make Facebook stay gone! Don't let it come back!"



"8 pm tonight. $700 billion," responded the hackers with a maniacal laugh. "Don't disappoint us."



According to sources, local woman Aunt Guthrie is still sitting at her desk clicking "refresh" over and over.

[Anonymous]

https://server6.kproxy.com/servlet/redirect.srv/sruj/snomzbznrrt/p2/news/hackers-warn-that-if-demands-arent-met-they-will-reactivate-facebook">Hackers Warn That If Demands Aren't Met They Will Reactivate Facebook



https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-9628-1.jpg">



WORLD—With Facebook down, and the world basking in the warm glow of a post-Facebook utopia, the hackers responsible for the attack are now warning that if their demands are not met, they will reactivate Facebook once again.



"We know the world is celebrating the peace and unity brought about by us deleting Facebook from the internet," said a cryptic message broadcast from an unknown location. "But if you don't comply with our demand for $700 billion dollars by 8 pm tonight, we will restore Facebook and unleash its evils upon the world once again."



"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed everyone in horror at the thought of being doomed to once again scroll through Facebook's clinically addictive interface, depressing newsfeed, and angry arguments with Aunt Guthrie. "Please! PLEASE! Make Facebook stay gone! Don't let it come back!"



"8 pm tonight. $700 billion," responded the hackers with a maniacal laugh. "Don't disappoint us."



According to sources, local woman Aunt Guthrie is still sitting at her desk clicking "refresh" over and over.

Oh no......they must be paid at once.

 

[cc]

BLM Sends Rioters To Gaza To Protest Israel By Burning Down Palestinian Businesses[/url][/b]



https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-8673-1.jpg">



GAZA—BLM has expressed solidarity with Hamas and Palestine by sending organizers to protest Israel by rampaging through Gaza and burning down Palestinian-owned businesses.



"Everyone knows the best way to fight back against your oppressor is to burn down your own community," said BLM leader Patrisse Cullors. "We here at BLM are experts at that, so we figured the least we can do is help out."



BLM sent 500 of their best ground troops to enter Gaza at night. They immediately began looting the local shoe store and Halal market before setting fire to an apartment building.



"Free, free, Palestine! Free, free, Palestine! Black and brown lives matter!" they chanted loudly as the townspeople began to wake up.



"This seems kinda counterproductive," said one Hamas leader. "But, if it works in America, maybe we should try it here."

[Anonymous]

GAZA—BLM has expressed solidarity with Hamas and Palestine by sending organizers to protest Israel by rampaging through Gaza and burning down Palestinian-owned businesses.



"Everyone knows the best way to fight back against your oppressor is to burn down your own community," said BLM leader Patrisse Cullors. "We here at BLM are experts at that, so we figured the least we can do is help out."



BLM sent 500 of their best ground troops to enter Gaza at night. They immediately began looting the local shoe store and Halal market before setting fire to an apartment building.



"Free, free, Palestine! Free, free, Palestine! Black and brown lives matter!" they chanted loudly as the townspeople began to wake up.



"This seems kinda counterproductive," said one Hamas leader. "But, if it works in America, maybe we should try it here."

 

[cc]

Gay Man Miraculously Turned Straight By Single Bite Of Chick-Fil-A[/url][/b]



DALLAS, TX—While gay conversion therapy has long been thought to be ineffective, there may be a promising new method for converting the gays.



Local gay man Landon Ellison was out protesting a Chick-fil-A in his city Wednesday morning when he got hungry. He looked around to make sure his fellow protestors weren't watching before slipping into the restaurant and ordering a classic chicken sandwich.



"It's probably terrible," he sneered at the cashier, who only smiled and said it was her pleasure to have her place of work insulted. "I'll bet it tastes like HATE!"



But when Ellison's food was served 3 seconds later, something miraculous happened: he took a bite of the sandwich and suddenly found he was no longer attracted to men. The woman who served him the sandwich instantly appeared attractive to him. "How you doin'?" he said, raising his eyebrows suggestively. She told him it was her pleasure to be hit on and walked away.



https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-4248-1.jpg">



Ellison emerged from the restaurant in a daze, fell to his knees, and lifted his hands and eyes up to the heavens in praise and thanksgiving for the amazing transformation that had occurred in his life.



Sadly, he was turned back by a "Whopper".