Babylon Bee, People's Cube etc.

[cc]

New White House Dog Professionally Trained To Not Growl When Biden Touches A Child[/url][/i][/b]



https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-10146-1.jpg">



WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a video released by the Administration, President Biden showed off the newest, furry addition to the White House: an adorable German Shepherd puppy named Commander who has been professionally trained not to growl when Biden touches a child.



"It took weeks of intensive training to overcome the German Shepherd's instinctive desire to protect vulnerable children, but we did it," said professional pet trainer Bob Heirbouy, who demonstrated by grabbing a child-size doll and sniffing its hair aggressively in front of Commander, who simply tilted his head and looked on. "Commander will be a perfect fit in the Biden White House."



The dog trainer added that his business is booming since training Biden's dog to ignore any acts toward children ranging from general creepiness to outright abuse, stating he has received calls from celebrities, business executives, and elite politicians.



"I'm swamped," said Mr. Heirbouy, "Right now I'm training a cat for the Biden family so it will seek out and pee on stray laptop hard drives."

[Anonymous]

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a video released by the Administration, President Biden showed off the newest, furry addition to the White House: an adorable German Shepherd puppy named Commander who has been professionally trained not to growl when Biden touches a child.



"It took weeks of intensive training to overcome the German Shepherd's instinctive desire to protect vulnerable children, but we did it," said professional pet trainer Bob Heirbouy, who demonstrated by grabbing a child-size doll and sniffing its hair aggressively in front of Commander, who simply tilted his head and looked on. "Commander will be a perfect fit in the Biden White House."



The dog trainer added that his business is booming since training Biden's dog to ignore any acts toward children ranging from general creepiness to outright abuse, stating he has received calls from celebrities, business executives, and elite politicians.



"I'm swamped," said Mr. Heirbouy, "Right now I'm training a cat for the Biden family so it will seek out and pee on stray laptop hard drives."

The dog should be growling when it sees that.

[cc]

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a video released by the Administration, President Biden showed off the newest, furry addition to the White House: an adorable German Shepherd puppy named Commander who has been professionally trained not to growl when Biden touches a child.



"It took weeks of intensive training to overcome the German Shepherd's instinctive desire to protect vulnerable children, but we did it," said professional pet trainer Bob Heirbouy, who demonstrated by grabbing a child-size doll and sniffing its hair aggressively in front of Commander, who simply tilted his head and looked on. "Commander will be a perfect fit in the Biden White House."



The dog trainer added that his business is booming since training Biden's dog to ignore any acts toward children ranging from general creepiness to outright abuse, stating he has received calls from celebrities, business executives, and elite politicians.



"I'm swamped," said Mr. Heirbouy, "Right now I'm training a cat for the Biden family so it will seek out and pee on stray laptop hard drives."

The dog should be growling when it sees that.

Or biting



 

[cc]

https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-10190-1.jpg">https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/a ... 0190-1.jpg">https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-10190-1.jpg[/img]



WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources, Biden is just kicking himself after looking at his to-do list for 2021 and realizing he forgot to shut down the virus.



"Ah, dadgummit!" Biden exclaimed to a nearby potted plant while slapping his forehead. "I knew I was forgetting something! That's too bad because it was otherwise a flawless year for me!"



Health experts say COVID deaths surged all through 2021 and cases are currently skyrocketing because Biden misplaced his small spiral-bound notebook where he keeps track of all the items on his to-do list.



 "We all forget—It happens to the best of us," said Dr. Fauci. "I'm sure he'll put this item at the top of his list for next year."

[Anonymous]

https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-10190-1.jpg">https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/a ... 0190-1.jpg">https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-10190-1.jpg[/img]



WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources, Biden is just kicking himself after looking at his to-do list for 2021 and realizing he forgot to shut down the virus.



"Ah, dadgummit!" Biden exclaimed to a nearby potted plant while slapping his forehead. "I knew I was forgetting something! That's too bad because it was otherwise a flawless year for me!"



Health experts say COVID deaths surged all through 2021 and cases are currently skyrocketing because Biden misplaced his small spiral-bound notebook where he keeps track of all the items on his to-do list.



 "We all forget—It happens to the best of us," said Dr. Fauci. "I'm sure he'll put this item at the top of his list for next year."

 

[cc]

https://babylonbee.com/news/oral-arguments-postponed-as-justice-sotomayor-gets-gavel-stuck-up-her-nose-again">WASHINGTON, D.C.—Oral arguments in SCOTUS's hearing over OSHA's vaccine mandates had to be postponed a third time this morning as Justice Sonia Sotomayor got her gavel stuck up her nose again.



https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-10251-1.jpg">



"Dang it, Sonia!" shouted Kavanaugh as he looked over and saw her frantically trying to get the wooden mallet unstuck. "How many times do we have to tell you not to do that? I'd whoop you if you were my kid!" Kavanaugh then cracked open a tall, cool Keystone Light to take the edge off.



Meanwhile, Justice Barrett had jumped into action. "There, there, it's OK, baby," she said. "Awwwww, did you get da wittle hammer stuck up dere again sweetie pie? Shhhh, shhh, it's OK, just breathe. Just breathe." Barrett fed her some Goldfish and a juice box to calm her down while EMTs arrived on the scene.



"Is it Sonia again?" asked the first EMT to enter the room. "Yeah, guys, it's just Sonia again! Poor girl. When she choked on her webcam last month, we were really scared for her. She's gonna be OK. Come on, honey. Let's get you to your favorite hospital room. They're playing Schoolhouse Rock in there -- it's the one about the Constitution! You can learn something while you recover." This cheered the justice up considerably.



At publishing time, the gavel had been removed after a several-hour delay, and Justice Sotomayor was able to return to the courtroom and ask her most pointed question yet: "If mandate no work then why coughy not so bad bad?"

[cc]

The People's Cube



https://thepeoplescube.com/images/various_uploads/Zyclon_Giftgas_300.jpg">The FDA has approved the mandatory use Zyklon-B as a preventative treatment for those who doubt the science and are hesitant to accept either of the three recommended COVID-19 vaccines.



An FDA spokesperson clarified that "early research shows Zyklon-B generates strong immune responses in 100% of the recipients. It's a gift...

[Anonymous]

The People's Cube



https://thepeoplescube.com/images/various_uploads/Zyclon_Giftgas_300.jpg">The FDA has approved the mandatory use Zyklon-B as a preventative treatment for those who doubt the science and are hesitant to accept either of the three recommended COVID-19 vaccines.



An FDA spokesperson clarified that "early research shows Zyklon-B generates strong immune responses in 100% of the recipients. It's a gift...

I think I will take the booster instead. Did I tell you, I got drunk with my boy and missed my appointment for my booster. The old lady was pissed at me. She got me an appointment for next week.

[cc]

Yes, you mentioned that.



I'd not suggest the Zyklon without further testing

[Anonymous]

Yes, you mentioned that.



I'd not suggest the Zyklon without further testing

You little smartass.  ac_lmfao

[Anonymous]

The People's Cube



https://thepeoplescube.com/images/various_uploads/Zyclon_Giftgas_300.jpg">The FDA has approved the mandatory use Zyklon-B as a preventative treatment for those who doubt the science and are hesitant to accept either of the three recommended COVID-19 vaccines.



An FDA spokesperson clarified that "early research shows Zyklon-B generates strong immune responses in 100% of the recipients. It's a gift...

I think I will take the booster instead. Did I tell you, I got drunk with my boy and missed my appointment for my booster. The old lady was pissed at me. She got me an appointment for next week.

Was there a financial penalty?

[Anonymous]

https://server4.kproxy.com/servlet/redirect.srv/sruj/snomzbznrrt/p2/news/oral-arguments-postponed-as-justice-sotomayor-gets-gavel-stuck-up-her-nose-again">WASHINGTON, D.C.—Oral arguments in SCOTUS's hearing over OSHA's vaccine mandates had to be postponed a third time this morning as Justice Sonia Sotomayor got her gavel stuck up her nose again.



https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/article-10251-1.jpg">



"Dang it, Sonia!" shouted Kavanaugh as he looked over and saw her frantically trying to get the wooden mallet unstuck. "How many times do we have to tell you not to do that? I'd whoop you if you were my kid!" Kavanaugh then cracked open a tall, cool Keystone Light to take the edge off.



Meanwhile, Justice Barrett had jumped into action. "There, there, it's OK, baby," she said. "Awwwww, did you get da wittle hammer stuck up dere again sweetie pie? Shhhh, shhh, it's OK, just breathe. Just breathe." Barrett fed her some Goldfish and a juice box to calm her down while EMTs arrived on the scene.



"Is it Sonia again?" asked the first EMT to enter the room. "Yeah, guys, it's just Sonia again! Poor girl. When she choked on her webcam last month, we were really scared for her. She's gonna be OK. Come on, honey. Let's get you to your favorite hospital room. They're playing Schoolhouse Rock in there -- it's the one about the Constitution! You can learn something while you recover." This cheered the justice up considerably.



At publishing time, the gavel had been removed after a several-hour delay, and Justice Sotomayor was able to return to the courtroom and ask her most pointed question yet: "If mandate no work then why coughy not so bad bad?"

This thread is one of my favourites.

 

[cc]

Yes, you mentioned that.



I'd not suggest the Zyklon without further testing

You little smartass.  ac_lmfao

Moi ?  :43(2):

[Frood]

I wonder when Pfizer will decide to re-formulate and patent Zyklon for rapid roll-out in the next nternational health crises....



 :001_tongue:

[Anonymous]

I wonder when Pfizer will decide to re-formulate and patent Zyklon for rapid roll-out in the next nternational health crises....



 :001_tongue:

Why would any company want to kill their customers.